im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
