yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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