Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
