i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
