just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
