Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
