I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
