So drunk, too bad you don't want this
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
