Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
