I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
