the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize