Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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