Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Randomize
