My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
