He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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