Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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