the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
