I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
