well I can't set my house on fire every night
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
