i just had sex bonerless
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
So much Jack, so little girl.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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