I just threw up on my dentist
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
