Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
