There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
