Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
