i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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