I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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