I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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