I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
