drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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