I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
