I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
