I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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