What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I was not drunk enough for that final.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
