No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
