I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
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