Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
