I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
accomplished twins. life is a go
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
