So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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