You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
