Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
