Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
