FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
