My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Sorry my hands just texted you
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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