oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
