As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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