3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
