You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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