Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
