Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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