She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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