I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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