My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
