1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Someone shattered a urinal.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Liz is crying about burritos again.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
