I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
