Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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