I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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